I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
