imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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