threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
