So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
