Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
