I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
