I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
