Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
