You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
