I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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