At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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