What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We need a shit load of segways right now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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