I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
