walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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