matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
