Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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