Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
