I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
