i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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