This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
