she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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