Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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