Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Randomize
