shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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