My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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