i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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