Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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