dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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