i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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