I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
