that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
