I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
