she woke up with a sticky ear
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
