Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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