When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
