i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
