can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
