cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
