This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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