Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
