I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
