Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we're making bets on your personal life
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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