I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
