I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
