You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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