I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
