well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
