My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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