Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
