great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
